Flawed Life: Why I am Happy...FOR MYSELF!

>> Thursday, September 03, 2009

Now that my friends have all come out of the closet about their pregnancies I can be shameless and tell you all why I am so freaking happy that someone else is joining my pain. And by pain I of course mean the wonderfully, fabulous, roller coaster of parenthood. I was so happy I almost wrecked and killed us the car when she told me. This probably makes me a horrible person.... but I am honest if nothing else.

Michael and I married young by my standards. I never thought I would want to be married as young as I did. But alas I wanted it more than anything and we tied that knot when I was a baby of 23. I surely never thought I wanted to have a baby when I was 26. Seriously? But alas this is just another sign of my impatience. I was exuberantly happy when we found out about Lily and then decided hey lets pop out all the babies before 30! Ha!

Yet there are things I felt I gave up for the sake of starting a family. Like my life. No really. I feel like I neglect my friends and forget to call my parents. Social Life? Hah! Don't get me wrong our friends are crazy about Lily and try so hard. Our dear Alden's graciously accepted when we asked them to be Lily's Godparents. Although we have yet to get her baptized as Meg so often reminds me! I know they all love her....but....people just don't understand! Or maybe they do which is why I feel left out so much. Why would you invite the baby couple to a wine festival or to the concert in the middle of the week? I wouldn't! Well I would but then I would laugh and say SUCKER and hang up immediatly! But our friends are way nicer than I am. We try to not let the family life hold us back. We busted the Pack and Play out at the Bauer's last year for New Years. Then Michael chased Dave around for 30 minutes trying to steal the noise maker and hide it. All the while feeling guilty that we were the old people being party poopers about the horns because she was sleeping. We finally gave in and let her join the party and the Bauer's have yet to find that noise maker! So we try but....

There is a lot of stuff we can't do because we have a one year old. We were some of the first to have a baby so no one feels our pain. We don't have a lot of babysitters and the nights we do need a babysitter it is to hang out with the people that are the sitters! See the dilemma? All of our friends can still go to smokey bars and not eat dinner until nine o'clock and have parties that go on until midnight...okay 2AM....okay 4AM. They can tailgate starting at 10AM and stumble home to pass out. Or better go visit our other friends and do stuff we just can't! They fit into vehicles and don't have to ride by themselves, and they can hang out and just talk without making sure their child doesn't electrocute themselves. Us? No way! We need to be eating dinner at the latest by seven. By seven we have already dealt with two baby meltdowns because we should have ate at six, and have been giving her cookies to make her stop screaming in the res truant while we wait. We have had to take two trips to the bathroom to change a diaper, wipe up the puke because she ate to many cookies and then go immediately home and get her to bed before she gets her second wind and we are up all night while she just screams. And we have a good child! We have so much stuff in our SUV that it is a struggle to get our own brother in and to our parents house for a weekend let alone letting a couple ride with us. But would I change it? No freaking way. I love every minute of it...okay 99% of every minute. I leave the 1% for the self doubt. Minus the doubt, life with Lily is awesome. I of course grab onto to every free moment of time to squeeze in the long ago pleasures....like a haircut.

So why I am I insanely happy for myself? Because I feel a change! I see family activities like putt putt, BBQs, picnics, laser tag, trick or treating, holiday parties that start before 10PM, all of these in our near future. I see people going through the same things Michael and I have been through in the last year and being able to offer some help where we had none. Not for lack of trying...but nobody knew! My poor sister had so many phone calls from afar just asking WTF?! is this "thing" I am seeing. (My niece is a month older than Lily so at least we learned together!) I see myself getting to hold little babies and remember what it was like because it feels like ions ago. I see baby showers, and belly rubbing (only if you ask first!), and shopping for all the cute stuff. I see babysitting and friendships blooming. I see Lily being a little ring leader and sitting around playing school or house, and of course being the teacher or Mommy because "I'm older!" I see future Sunday dinners, and prom dates, and high school sports games. It is going to be freaking fabulous! And it all will be here before you know it.

Why am I insanely happy for them? Because they get the feeling that at the end of day skipping dinner, the early tailgate, the late party...it is all okay. Hopefully I can help them see that. Maybe they don't get it immediately. Heck I still struggle with realizing it today. Maybe it takes a year. But it is okay and it's worth it. Not easy...but worth it. We all doubt at times (like in the middle of a mall melt down) and we all get scared (sometimes on a daily basis) but we figure it out. That is the best part. Everyday is a miracle. They get to ride down the road and hear a song that reminds them of the child running around at home and it will bring tears to their eyes. They get to call and talk about all the firsts whether it be the smile, the step, the roll over and that feeling that you might quite possibly have the smartest child in the whole world. Or in the middle of the night when you are rocking the baby and they look up at you and give you a smile that makes your heart and chest feel like it will burst right there. Now they can feel that joy. Joy is the perfect word for it. Because there is nothing like it. Nothing. Everyday is different and everyday is something new.

A change is coming. A change for the better. We all grow up a little more with each passing day. We miss the old days but we look forward to the new days. Now we won't be the cool young couples, we will be the cool parents. And we all know how it rocked to have the cool mom on the block.....and we all know Raleigh Mom's are going to Rock!

Congrats Brookie!

Disclaimer: Other area Mommy's to be rock too (Melissa, Michelle, and Jen)...Just not as much as Raleigh! Haha! You are more than welcome to move to Raleigh to increase your coolness at any time.


Susan September 24, 2009 at 4:30 PM  

Wow Stephanie. I just wanted to let you know that I feel the exact same way. However, my friends still aren't having kids yet - except one but she is in Kentucky. I miss my life but I wouldn't trade it for my daughters! No way! Just wanted to let you know, that you are not alone :-)