>> Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I told Michael the other day I felt like we were lost. Just roaming through life with no clear direction. See I am a goal orientated person. I need something to strive towards, a task to occupy my time, in short a goal. I feel like I am lacking that right now. I am a planner to the core. What am I planning right now? NOTHING! It is driving me crazy. Honestly it is kind of depressing me a little.
Our (mine) plan since Lily was to have another baby next year. I have been saying it. I have been striving towards it. I started potty training Lily early because I refused to change two kids diapers. I have been telling everyone...next year is the year. This last vacation, then we are all in.
But I am kind of panicking. I am torn because there are so many things I want before we have another baby. I want Lily in a better school district. I want a house with a fenced in back yard so Lily doesn't get run over. I want to take her Disney World. I am so focused on her I don't know if I can focus on another baby. I honestly don't know if I can handle it.
Granted Michael's travel has slowed down drastically so I can't say that is scaring me at the moment. Because it don't get no scary than taking care of two kids with no hubby in sight. At least not in my book.
It's a whole book of fears beyond that. I don't think we make enough money. I will have to quit working at my current salary. I don't know if I am willing to give that up yet. Which is odd since I would have thrown that out the window in a heart beat two years ago. Or is it that I am not ready to give up the money associated with working.
Most days I feel like I don't give Lily enough attention as it is. Imagine splitting between two! I know in my heart that my heart will grow to take on enough love for both, but it is hard to remember that when you struggle every day with just being a decent parent. Not even a great one. Just enough to where your kid is not permanently screwed up by your day to day actions.
I don't think we have enough help. It would be easy to have a house full of kids if we had a family and friend unit close enough to give us the break every parent needs. Michael's birthday is this week and I can't even find a babysitter to go out on a date. Seriously? I am not the only person in the world with this problem but sometimes it feels like it.
So then it just boils down to guilt. I feel guilty going to Zumba twice a week. To exercise. I feel guilty for exercise. For Christ sake. That sounds so ridiculous even coming out of my fingers on to this page. But it is true. I want to take a photography class or a web design class and I know I won't. Because that would be one more hour a week I would just feel guilty for not being home. But if I don't do this stuff now I feel like baby #2 would push those extras even further away.
But the guilt doesn't stop there. Lily would be such a good big sister. You should see her carry around the baby dolls. Oh my goodness completely cuteness. Or the scar I have on my leg that she is convinced is a booboo. Every time I wear a skirt she kisses it to make it better. It's not fair to her. I want them to be close in age so they are close like the sibling I never had.
Maybe I would feel differently if I felt like Michael was all about it. But I don't think he is right now. So that makes it worse. If SuperDad is not all excited what the hell am I thinking?
So it boils down to not being ready. For today. I (we) have decided to focus on a new housing situation. Whether that is fixing up the existing or selling and buying. Maybe a better school for Lily. Either way it will give me a goal. Something to focus on. Something to keep me distracted from the guilt that I shouldn't feel. And to all those people that keep asking "Oh when is baby #2? It's about time isn't it" Quit asking. Because honestly it's none of your business. All it does is make me feel more guilty. Sometimes your just not ready. And that is okay.