Scary Moment #1

I have come to realize that there are those moments in parenthood that just scare the crap out of you. I have been lucky. Lily's birth was painful, but for the most part normal, quick recovery. She was absolutely healthy, no scariness. For every parent it is different. For every child it is different. For my sister in law it was getting genetic testing over the past few months, for another friend it was getting false positives from her amniocentesis. For me it was taking my baby to the ear doctor.

Lily has her specialist visit because of our chronic ear issue. Basically the ear infection that won't die. Antibiotic resistant, and persistent. We have been ear infection free for a total of two weeks since Lily was 5 months old. The appointment with the ENT was not terrible. I wanted to know what was causing them, and what options we had. I got the same speech the paediatrician gave me about under developed Eustachian tubes. My three options were

-keep going with the antibiotics
-take her out of daycare
-get tubes

Okay first of all. I am a microbiologist. I know why bacteria become resistant. I have know was mercer is (the super staph infection for those you that don't), and I don't agree with keeping her on antibiotics for three months. I have made that clear. Then taking her out of daycare is not really an option since I have to work to pay for the specialist. So we are left with tubes. Ugh I really don't want to do this. The procedure sounds simple. That is not my issue. But they have to put her under to do the surgery. This is where the problem lies. I am 26 years old and have only been under once, and that was for wisdom teeth removal. I am scared of anesthesia. I know I shouldn't put my fears on my children. But there could be reactions, complications, etc. It completely freaks me out. To see my little baby in a hospital bed is not really an option for me.

He did say there was no infection but a lot of fluid still in the ear. But no redness. I should mentioned she finished her round of Vantin antibiotics on Wednesday. This was Thursday morning. So he told us to think on it and he wanted to see us back in a month pending no further issues. If we wanted the tubes we could schedule it any time.

They wanted to get a baseline hearing test from her as well. So the audiologist came and got us and had me hold Lily in my lap inside this sound booth. It was pretty cool. They play sounds at different levels and wait for her to turn her head. Once she turns her head to the sound a bunny lights up and moves to encourage turning of the head when she hears something.

Well she did not pass the hearing test. I should note that this is the part that scared the crap out of me. To date it is the scariest thing someone has said to me as a parent. I calmed but the initial reaction was total fear! She is not deaf by any means, but it's not good. She compared it to Lily hearing the world under water. Was she going to start losing her hearing? Was this my fault for not doing tubes sooner? Panic. I could tell Michael was worried too. He even called me at work to discuss it and really started pushing the tubes to me which is completely out of character. I make the decisions like this and he normally just goes with what I decide. But for him to have a strong opinion I knew he was worried.

To make matters worse she woke up a few times last night, and she was really snotty this morning. Our classic ear infection symptoms. One 24 hours period off antibiotics and it is back! It is so frustrating. So Michael called today and scheduled the surgery. She is booked for next Tuesday. The worst part is she cannot eat after midnight on the day of the surgery. Obviously they have never had to get a baby out of the house without morning milk! This should be interesting.

As a parent you have to make scary decisions. I know it is the right one. I wish they could do it without the anesthesia because that is what scares me the most. But I know if she ended up losing hearing it would be my fault because I am suppose to take care of her. She cannot make the decision so I have to do it for her. It is tough. It is a lot of responsibility! I guess it should be easier than it is because if she is suffering than I should do whatever it takes to make that stop. But there are always so many factors! I know there will be many more scary moments. This will probably be a joke compared to what is coming in the years to follow. As Michael says "it never gets any better than it is right now...only worse" It pessimistic but so true in relation to parenting.

So that is it. We are doing it. I let Michael take charge on this one. It is nice to give up the control....sometimes :) He also requested the doctor to give up some more antibiotics to get us through the weekend.

On a happier note got lots of people coming in town for a wedding shower tomorrow! Should be fun. Hopefully my freshly cleaned house does not get too messed up!