Disclaimer: If I get through this post without crying it will be a miracle!
This week was my first week back to work. I took solace in the fact it was a short week. I spent most of Monday crying and preparing her things for daycare the next day. Oh the things you must bring. But even worse the things you must label. Every diaper has to initialed! That is absurd! It took many hours and double checking everything three times before I was satisfied.
I have to say the whole day I had mixed emotions. I honestly thought about just not going to work the next day. But I kept telling myself I couldn't live without myself if I didn't try. So along came Tuesday...insert drum roll please.
My day started at 4:45AM. Yes 4:45 AM. Just for effect lets say it one more time...4:45AM. No one needs to see what 4:44AM looks like. But in case you are one of the lucky that never have to see it I can tell you...it's dark. Very Dark. So quietly I get up and eat breakfast and begin getting ready, showering, makeup, hair, etc. At 5:30AM I go into Lily's room to wake her. Breaking the cardinal rule in my house of never waking a sleeping baby. At this point I am not sure what to do. I haven't had to wake a baby before. I mean the first week of nursing and sleepy baby syndrome sure. But those were limited to acts of torture such as cold water and pinching her foot. I could not resort to this for daily wakings. So I thought. Then I started whispering her name. But she just laid there. Then I got a little louder....Nothing. Mmmmm this may be harder than I thought. Well if she is anything like her daddy this was not going to turn out good. So I just reached in and picked the baby burrito up. Her eyes popped open. For a moment I thought she was about to smile at seeing me until....her face slowly screwed up into this awfulness. Then came the cry. Not happy. Well I understood I felt like crying too. So I unswaddled her, changed and dressed her. All the while she is crying because she has no idea whats going on. Our normal routine involves her waking me up, a diaper change, then nursing and cuddling in bed for a few hours. Uh not this morning! She did not like the change. So after I got her dressed and nursed her I started saying my goodbyes. This was the hard part. Lots of tears. Michael did a good job and offered to be the bad guy and drop her off. We decided it was best if I just stayed home. I don't think I could have done it honestly.
She did really well. She was asleep when he dropped her off at 7AM. She normally sleeps until 9AM after her morning feeding so I expected that. I called at lunch and they said she had been good all morning. So I am slowly counting down the minutes until I can leave work to go get her. FYI only cried three more times that day. So I race out of work and speed the whole way to daycare. On a side note me back at work means I got my convertible back! Yay! I get there I go in...she is screaming! I mean screaming. Of course. I was expecting smiles and leg kicks in happiness. Instead I get screams. Okay is she trying to make me feel bad? At least they were holding her. Because if they weren't...oh no you didn't! She continued to scream the whole way to the car. They swore she had not been like that all day and it was actually time for another feeding. She was better when I got to driving but I broke down hearing her that upset.
That night was probably a sign of times to come. Michael worked late, I made dinner, got ready for daycare the next day, made my lunch, tried to do a load of laundry, nurse. Not to mention trying to spend time with her since she was ripped from me that day. She did go right to bed that night though. I still felt like I didn't get to spend any time with her though.
So the next day...When I pick her up she is sleeping. Hey better than screaming. They said they made sure to make her real happy before Mommy came. When I looked at her daily log she had slept alot that day. A two hour nap, and a few 45min naps. She never slept at home for me! WTF! Well she was still asleep when we got home so I changed her and went to nurse her about 5PM. We were both asleep by 5:15PM. I did not wake up, nor did she, until 9PM when Michael got home. Holy smokes! All I am thinking is how screwed I am since she normally goes down at 9PM. So I get her up changed, played with, bathed, and then take her to the nursery at around 10PM to rock her. She was out by 10:30PM and slept the entire night. Wow. I couldn't believe it. I was fully expecting a 1AM wake up call and a wanting to play smile.
Yesterday she seemed to slip into a routine and other than still seeming really sleepy I think she is getting used to the new schedule. Mommy? Not so much. It was hard leaving her this morning again. A few tears. Today is Friday so Michael gets half days and is picking her up at lunch so I am a little jealous. That was probably where the tears came from.
Lots of people have called and checked on me this week. Thanks so much. Someday most of you will understand. Sorry if I have been a little deep in our conversations this week. Who knew I had deep thoughts? I will say what I have told most of you. Having a baby changes your whole world. It changes who you are and what you want. Everything seems different. I never thought I would be one of those women that wanted to stay home. I went to college this is the 21st century. I should be a CEO or something cool right? I have all these opportunities that women did not have thirty years ago and all these emotions tell me to stay with her. I guess nature is a bitch. Or is it hormones? Heck if I know. All I know is it feels unnatural to have my child ripped from me at this stage. But everyone tells me it gets easier. Stay tuned...I think all those people are full of crap.
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