A hobo almost stole my stuff

The night from hell. Well that was my original title. But I realized I have definitely had worse. My night from many weeks ago. I get to bed at a decent hour for once. Mainly because I had two beers at dinner which meant that I was tipsy so sleep came easy. Yes I know I am a cheap date. Why do you think Michael loves me so much? Michael unfortunately had more than two when a few buddies came over for the night. Which is really the prequel and an important part of the rest of the story.

So fast forward to 1AM. I hear a yippy dog in the yard barking. WTF? Why is Charlie (my yippy dog) outside? Instantly I knew Michael had let the dog out and fell asleep. Not the first time this has happened. So I throw the covers off and open the bedroom door. A wall of hot air hits me as I opened the door. And I heard crickets. Real live crickets sounded like they were chilling in my hallway. Just chirping away.

My first reaction? Someone has broken into my house and brutally murdered my family and then left the door open in a fast get away. After that half a second passed I knew what had happened. But I wanted to visually confirm before I performed the brutal murder on my spouse that there was zero chance had previously occurred. As I clear the stairs I see my front door. Wide Open. My yippy dogs white fur bouncing around in the front yard. My black dog? No where to be found. My husband. Passed out cold on the front porch. The temperature in the house? About 85. My patience and temper? Way beyond safety levels.

So immediately a long string of curse words stream out of my mouth. After a flick on the forehead (hey it worked!) he woke up cussing.

Michael: “Whajadothatfo?”
Me: “Do you see the front door wide open?!!!”
Michael “I didn’t do that. Why would I do that? Jesus Christ Steph Why are you yelling at me?”
Me: :Seriously???: “you need to find your dog! Because she is nowhere to be found” (because at 1AM she becomes your dog. Not ours. Yours.)
Me :louder: and you need to kill the five million effing bugs fling around the effing downstairs before I effing kill somebody!”
Me: :louder still: “And maybe you should make sure all our SH!& is still here because I am pretty sure some hobo just stole it?”
Michael :Mumble mumble:
Me: “And last but not least make sure your daughter is still in her bed and didn’t wander outside or get kidnapped!!!”

So for the next thirty minutes he stomped around downstairs killing mosquitoes and cussing about how he didn’t do it. All I hear is :Slap, Slap:

I really do know what happened. He let the dog out on the leadline (which is where he found her by the way) and she nudged the not so firmly shut door open after he fell asleep on the couch like he does many nights in the middle of his nightly lock up duties that include letting the dogs out. Then the door stood open for hours or so and the whole lot of the air conditioning went outside into the 100+ heat index of the Carolina night and the other dog chased a cat or something and hence the yipping that woke me to a hot and buggy downstairs. So in his defense he didn’t blatantly do it…but it is still his fault.

Okay so that was 1AM.

At 3AM A HUGE THUNDERSTORM ROLLED THROUGH. If you live in the area you know what I am talking about. I mean thundering shaking my walls and picture frames, lightening ever other second and somehow my toddler slept through it but I didn’t. So I finally get back to sleep after the hail attacked our house. By the way Michael fell back asleep on the couch while killing mosquitoes. Wow. I cannot make this stuff up. He was still not in bed. Although that may have been a conscious decision to pay me back for the head flick.

At 5AM I wake up to Lily SCREAMING bloody murder! I walk in and Michael (who actually woke up! Praise Jesus!) is putting a new pull up on her. She had managed to wake up, pull her pull-up off and pee all over herself and then bed. And then we wonder why she is screaming. So smarticus Michael brings her into our bed instead of changing the sheets. Brilliant. I finally get her back to sleep after she kicks and jumps on me for a half hour at 5:30. My alarm went off at 5:38AM.

FML.

Why does this crap happen to me!?


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